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The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
 
Here is a guide to the point system: 
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
 
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
 
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Marlene (-10)
Marlene is a dancer (-20)
Marlene has silicone implants (-80)
 
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
 
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
 
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
 
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
 
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
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Me if I won the lottery!

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Biker Yoga

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Military Wizdom

Military Wisdom I

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher (If I remember correctly, that was also printed on the front of a Claymore mine. DUH!)

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal (Shit...I tried to look like that (and WAS that) when I was in) =)
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

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Stop Sittin' on Yer ASS!

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

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Changin' Da' Oil!  (Ed's Note: Whoever wrote this has ME in mind.)

Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto Zone parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to service station to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface, be sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

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The difference between Harley riders and Goldwing drivers:

Harley riders:
"Live to ride. Ride to Live."
Goldwing drivers:
"Eat to ride. Ride to eat"  (Ed's note: That's me!) =)

Harley riders:
"Loud pipes save lives."
Goldwing drivers:
"Honey, will you turn down the radio?"

Harley riders:
Black leather jacket and chaps
Goldwing drivers:
Red snowmobile suit 

Harley riders:
Black leather vest with chain closure and skull and lightning
bolt on the back
Goldwing drivers:
Gray twill vest with trading pins and GoldWing Road Riders Association chapter patch on the back

Harley riders:
Meets other riders at "The Damn Ice House"
Goldwing drivers:
Meets other riders at Denny's  (Ed's note: Me, too!) =)

Harley riders:
Biker Mama on the back.
Goldwing drivers:
HER Mama on the back.

Harley riders:
Cross city ride ends at topless bar.
Goldwing drivers:
Cross country ride ends at Dairy Queen.   (Ed's note: Yep. Me again!) =)

Harley riders:
National riders group meeting called "Hog Rally".
Goldwing drivers:
International group affair called "Wing Ding".  (Ed's note: I had a tailer named "Wing Ding", once.) =)

Harley riders:
Riding in groups of two.
Goldwing drivers:
Riding in groups of twenty. 

Harley riders:
Ape hanger bars and (proctologists dream) splinter seats.
Goldwing drivers:
Big wide seats for big wide butts.

Harley riders:
Rolling thunder.
Goldwing drivers:
BarcoLounger with wheels 

Harley riders:
Dew rags covering up steel plate in the head from riding without a helmet. But looking COOL. (Uh, this is me... No steel plate, but you would play hell gettin' me to wear a skid lid) =)
Goldwing drivers:
Helmet with headset and microphones, covered in reflective patches

Harley riders:
"This beer is flat, let's trash the place."
Goldwing drivers:
"This cappuccino is cold. Let's only tip 10%." 

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Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back

10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty. 

9. Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm. 

8. Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for. 

7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off. 

6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos. 

5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley. 

4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual  and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.  (I've literally had HD riders get mad and walk off when talking about bike parts and the amount of "foreign" parts found on a typical Harley. It's a small world, y'all... Guess we better get use to it.) =)

3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else. (Must admit, my bobber is probably as loud as your typical drag piped Hog... Hope Johnny Law stays kind to me) =) 

2. Remember the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet. 

1. They're jealous that after spending $30,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing. (This line "dates" the entry... Ain;'t nothin' these days to pay 40 or 50K for a Hog OR Goldwing...Who woulda' thought a wing would fetch so much money?... One of the reasons I stick with "old" iron.)

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Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back

9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip. (No heated grips on MY scooter! Hippo Hands, do tha' job) =)

8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.

7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.

6. The espresso machine just finished.

5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.

4. Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.

3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.

2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height,  programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system. (back when I had a dresser, I found myself doing this!) =)

1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.

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15 Reasons a Gold Wing would be stopped along the road

1. The cappuccino machine needs cleaning.
2. His co-rider fell asleep and he hated to wake her.
3. He needed to put 10 new CDs in to the CD changer.
4. The refrigerator mounted on the trailer hitch can't keep the ice cream frozen on hot days so he stopped to eat it.
5. He had a fax coming in on the first line, so he thought he'd better disconnect the modem from the second line in case someone was trying to reach him on the helmet phone.
6. The last big bump made the lazy boy seat come to a full upright position, so he had to stop and adjust it.
7. His tax accountant has scheduled a conference call with his portfolio manager, and he wanted to take a few notes.
8. He just crossed a time zone and he needed to reset the VCR to record the right program for him to watch tonight.
9. His A/C vents were pointed too far into the wind stream to keep him cool.
10. He has a 200-mile gas tank range but a 175-mile bladder range.
11. He stopped to take the chocolate chip cookies out of the oven, but now the ice cream is all gone, so what can he eat with them?
12. He was confirming tonight's reservation at the Hilton 800 miles ahead.
13. He wanted to color in another state on his travel map.
14. He had a bug splattered on his chrome and he needed to polish it before it dried on.
15. He stopped to help the Harley that was stopped along the road

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What is the difference between a Gold Wing and a logging truck?

1. About 40 pounds and a stuffed animal.
2. Logging trucks don't throw sparks when they go around corners.
3. Logging trucks need all their lights.
4. Logging trucks will usually pull over to let you pass.
5. Logging trucks must stop at weigh stations.
6. Logging trucks don't all look alike.
7. Logging trucks are not as wide.
8. Nobody ever built a three wheel logging truck. 

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Motorcycle wisdom

- Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need. - It takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.
- Only Bikers understand why dogs love to stick their heads out car windows.
- Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
- Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of gas before you can think straight.
- A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does a good lover. (AMEN!!!)
- When you look down the road, it seems to never end-but you better believe it does.
- Winter is Natures way of telling you to polish.
- Remember to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your motorcycle
- Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on separate bikes.
- When you're riding lead--don't spit.
- If you really want to know what's going on, watch what's happening at least 5 cars ahead. - If she changes her oil more than she changes her mind--follow her.
- There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
- Everyone crashes. Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.
- You'll know she loves you if she offers to let you ride her bike. Don't do it and she'll love you even more.
- Don't argue with an 18-wheeler.
- There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.

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